Introduction: 93 Funny Skyrim Quotes You’ll Love
Get ready for a laugh with 93 iconic Skyrim quotes that bring Tamriel’s wit to life! From snarky guards to wise dragons, each line has a hilarious commentary. Perfect for fans and newbies, this SEO-friendly post is your quick dive into Elder Scrolls V humor.
Top 10 Elder Scrolls Skyrim quotes which are funny af:
- “Let me guess. Someone stole your sweetroll!” – Random Guard
(Ah, the classic guard line. Bet you didn’t see that coming, just like the thief who nabbed your pastry.)
- “You see those warriors from Hammerfell? They’ve got curved swords. Curved. Swords.” – Random Guard #404
(Guard #404 is obsessed with those curvy blades—someone get him a sword catalog already.)
- “I used to be an adventurer like you, but then I took an arrow in the knee” – Guard
(Skyrim’s most famous excuse for quitting the hero gig—knee injuries are the real dragons here.)
- “Must have been the wind” – (Seriously bro?).
(Guard blames the breeze for your sneaky antics. Stealth 100, common sense 0.)
- “I’m going to find whoever did this.” (Yeah, good luck with that).
- “I used to be an adventurer like you…”
(Oh great, another knee-arrow sob story. Someone start a Skyrim support group.)
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- “Yes, yes- you’re Dragonborn. We’re VERY impressed.”
(More Dragonborn eye-rolling. Even the skeever’s tired of your hype.)
- “By Ysmir, you’ve helped save the Gildergreen. Words can’t express what that means to this city.”
(Saved a tree, became a legend. Skyrim’s arborist fan club approves.)
- “My cousin is out fighting dragons. And what do I get? Guard duty.”
(Poor guard’s stuck on babysitting duty while his cousin gets all the glory.)
- “Being honourable might make you a good man, but it doesn’t make you right. Be a better world if it did.” – Septimus
(Septimus with the harsh truth—honor’s nice, but it won’t win you arguments.)
Now Below are the Funny Skyrim quotes along with the meaningful ones:
- “You will push the world harder than it pushes back.” – Paarthurnax
(Paarthurnax’s pep talk: shove the world before it shoves you!)
- “As if Skyrim didn’t have enough outsiders. Now we’ve got mercenaries from Hammerfell struttin’ about.”
(Skyrim’s locals hate the newbies—those Hammerfell strutters are stealing the show.)
- “Azura has given me the gift of foresight. I had a vision of you walking up the steps to this altar long before you were born.” – Aranea Ienith
(Aranea’s been stalking you via prophecy—talk about a long-term fan.)
- “Another Wanderer, Here to Lick My Father’s Boots. Good Job.” – Nelkir
(Nelkir’s sass level is over 9000. Boot-licking’s not a career path, dude.)
- “Walk always in the shadows, so that you will see your foes before they see you.” – Jenassa
(Jenassa’s stealth advice: lurk like a pro, strike like a ninja.)
- “Whatever you need, Dragonborn. Just say the word.”
(Your followers are basically your personal genies—just don’t wish for too much.)
- “You’ve been a good friend to me. That means something.”
(A rare Skyrim bromance moment—aww, you’re not just a meat shield!)
- “Ysmir’s beard, you’re going to freeze to death!”
(Skyrim weather report: cold enough to turn your beard into an icicle.)
- “Must’ve Been My Imagination.” –
(Guard’s denial game is strong—you’re a ghost, and he’s cool with it.)
- “I’ll follow you till I’m ash in the wind, you know that right?” – Nazir
(Nazir’s loyalty is next-level—till death and beyond, bro!)
- “Wanna hear a bit of Nord wisdom? You don’t really know a woman until you’ve had a strong drink and a fistfight with her.”
(Nord dating tip: booze and bruises equal true love. Good luck with that.)
- “Fear not. Come dragon or giant, we’ll be ready.”
(Guard’s bravado is cute—let’s see him face a dragon without peeing his armor.)
- “Iron sword, huh. What are you killing, butterflies?” – Random Guard
(Guard roasts your starter weapon—time to ditch the butterfly slayer.)
- “Dov wahlaan fah rel. We were made to dominate. The will to power is in our blood. You feel it in yourself, do you not? I can be trusted. I know this. But they do not. Onikaan ni ov dovah. It is always wise to mistrust a dovah. I have overcome my nature only through meditation and long study of the Way of the Voice. No day goes by where I am not tempted to return to my inborn nature. Zin krif horvut se suleyk. What is better – to be born good, or to overcome your evil nature through great effort?” – Paarthurnax
(Paarthurnax gets deep—evil dragons can meditate their way to goodness, who knew?)
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- “God’s you are curious. Almost dangerously so…” – Irileth
(Irileth’s warning you: curiosity killed the Dragonborn, probably.)
- “Pssst, I know who you are… Hail Sithis” – Random Guard
(Guard’s in on your Dark Brotherhood secret—whispering’s his best stealth move.)
- “You look to your left, you see one way. You look to your right, you see another. But neither of them is any harder than the opposite.”
(Life’s choices in Skyrim: all roads lead to pain, pick one!)
- “I mostly deal with petty thievery and drunken brawls. Been too long since we’ve had a good bandit raid.”
(Guard misses the bandit life—petty crime’s just not cutting it anymore.)
- “When you walk through the guild, don’t be afraid to hold your head high, cause you’re the best damn thief in the place.”
(Thieves Guild pep talk: strut like you stole the whole joint.)
- “I’m goin’ to tell you somethin’ you’ll never hear me say again, and if you tell anyone I told you, I’ll deny it. When you walk through the Guild, don’t be ashamed to hold your head high, ’cause you’re the best damn thief in the place.” IYKYK
(Rare praise from a guildmate—don’t snitch, or it’s denials all around.)
- “If YOU are the Dragonborn, then we all are in trouble!!!” – Neloth
(Neloth’s faith in you is lower than a skeever’s belly—prove him wrong, champ.)
- “Let me guess, someone stole your sweet roll.”
(Sweetroll theft strikes again—Skyrim’s pastry crime wave continues.)
- “When you walk through the Guild, don’t be ashamed to hold your head high, cause your the best damn thief in the place” – Delvin
(Delvin’s boosting your ego—you’re the sneakiest sneak in town.)
- “Disrespect the law and you disrespect me” – Random Guard
(Guard takes his job way too personally—chill, it’s just a fine!)
- “Everything’s for sale my friend. Everything. If I had a sister I’d sell her in a second.”
(Skyrim capitalism: family’s on the market, no refunds.)
- “It’s absurd you can’t get a decent sweetroll in this skeever hole of a city”
(Sweetroll snob alert—Skyrim’s bakeries are a disgrace.)
- “Do you get to the cloud district very often, oh wait what am I saying of course you don’t.”
(Nazeem’s smugness is peak Skyrim—Cloud District’s too good for you, peasant.)
- “Shor’s bones! A handsome man in Falkreath!”
(Falkreath’s bar for handsome is low—congrats, you’re a catch!)
- “Nords’ armor has lots of fur. This sometimes makes M’aiq nervous.”
(M’aiq’s fur-phobia is real—those Nords are walking rugs.)
- “You fool! You don’t stand a cha…” – Estormo
(Estormo’s mid-sentence exit—guess you showed him who’s boss.)
- “The will to power is in our blood. You feel it in yourself, do you not?” – Paarthurnax
(Paarthurnax says domination’s your birthright—feel the power, Dragonborn!)
- “You chose the wrong time to get lost my friend.”
(Lost in Skyrim? Perfect timing for a bandit ambush.)
- “Well! You’re making friends all over, aren’t you?”
(Sarcasm 101: your charm’s working wonders, huh?)
- “You start running, so I can stab you in the back.”
(Friendly advice or a threat? Either way, don’t turn around.)
- “The air is so clear in Skyrim, one can see forever.” – Ra’zhinda
(Ra’zhinda’s loving the view—Skyrim’s air beats city smog any day.)
- “I hope your parents are proud of you. They have a lot of reason to be” – Angeline
(Angeline’s your Skyrim mom—making parents proud, one dragon at a time.)
- “I’m not afraid of you, you know. Even if you are my elder”.
(Kid’s got guts—age doesn’t scare this little rebel.)
- “You must either be crazy or supremely confident to go walking around with no clothes on…”
(Naked in Skyrim? You’re either mad or frost-proof—hope it’s the latter.)
- “These sands are cold, but Khajiit feels warmness from your presence”.
(Khajiit’s purring over your vibes—guess you’re a walking heater.)
- “Walk always in the light, or we will drag you to it.” – A Vigilant of Stendarr
(Stendarr’s crew doesn’t mess around—step into the light or get hauled there.)
- “I’m the only alchemist in Skingrad. Not much business here, but I can’t go back to Morrowind. It’s just like anywhere else in the Empire. By the way… do you happen to know what the fine is here in Cyrodiil for necrophilia? Just asking.” – This one’s from Oblivion
(Oblivion’s creepy alchemist—necrophilia fines are his small talk starter.)
- “The prey is strong. Stronger than the hunters.” – J’Kier, Dying Hunter
(J’Kier’s last words: the deer won this round, oops.)
- “Your job is to get into the Thalmor Embassy without being fingered as a spy.”
(Thalmor Embassy mission: don’t get caught, or it’s finger-pointing time.)
- “You’re new around here, so I’ll go easy on ya. But don’t get on my bad side.”
(Local tough guy’s giving you a newbie pass—don’t test his patience.)
- “They call me Dirge, ’cause I’m the last thing you hear before they put you in the ground. Why? You think it’s funny or something?” – Dirge
(Dirge’s name is a warning—laugh, and you’re six feet under.)
- “You won’t feel a thing. But if you do, try not to scream too loudly. My ears are sensitive.” – Neloth
(Neloth’s pain tolerance test—scream quietly, he’s got delicate ears.)
- “Master of sneaking, eh? If I catch you trying to spy on me while bathing, again, I’ll cut off your most precious asset.” – Delvin
(Delvin’s anti-perv policy—sneak on his bath time, lose something dear.)
- “Only a fool lets himself get surrounded.”
(Wise words—getting cornered’s for amateurs, not you.)
- “Death is my art, and like all artists, I seek a patron. For a mere handful of gold, I will follow you into any danger. Blade and shadow, silence and death; these are my arts. For a modest fee, I’ll make great art for you. I know nothing of fear, and nothing of remorse. I am an artisan, painting in strokes of blood-red upon the canvas of life.” – Jenassa
(Jenassa’s your hired killer artist—blood’s her paint, and she’s pricey.)
- “I would, but it wouldn’t make you any stronger than I.” – Neloth
(Neloth’s too cool to help—guess you’ll stay weaker than him, loser.)
- “You learn greatest secrets in the universe, and Hermaeus Mora learns how to skin a horker.” – Neloth
(Neloth on Daedric deals—you get wisdom, Mora gets horker recipes.)
- “I’m sorry lad. I’ve got important things to do. We’ll talk later” – Brynjolf
(Brynjolf’s too busy for you—catch him after his “important” nap.)
- “Sounds like a bargain to me. Hermaeus Mora learns some fascinating new ways to skin a horker and you become the second most powerful Dragonborn that ever lived.” – Neloth
(Neloth’s trade-off: horker skinning for second-best Dragonborn status.)
- “If anyone sneaks up on us, I will smell them coming. Or I might not. We’ll see.” – J’zargo
(J’zargo’s nose is 50/50—hope his sniffing skills kick in soon.)
- “You reek of death my friend. I salute you” – Nazir
(Nazir loves your murderous stench—wear it like a badge of honor.)
- “Do you mind? I’m busy doing the fish stick. It’s a very delicate state of mind.”
(Fish stick guy’s in the zone—don’t mess with his culinary zen.)
- “I fight for the men I’ve held in my arms, dying on foreign soil! I fight for their wives and children, whose names I heard whispered in their last breath. I fight for we few who did come home, only to find our country full of strangers wearing familiar faces. I fight for my people too impoverished to pay the debts of an Empire too weak to rule them, yet brands them criminals for wanting to rule themselves! I fight so that all the fighting I’ve already done hasn’t been for nothing! I fight… because I must.” – Jarl Ulfric Stormcloak
(Ulfric’s epic rant—fighting’s his therapy, and he’s got a lot to unpack.)
- “Someone – Who wrote the Elder Scrolls?” “It would take a month for me to explain to you everything that is wrong with that question.” – The Librarian at Winterhold
(Librarian’s done with dumb questions—Elder Scrolls 101 is a no-go.)
- “I am not a man. I’m a weapon in human form. Just unsheathe me, and point me at the enemy.” – Unknown
(Your follower’s a walking sword—point and stab, easy peasy.)
- “Patrolling the Mojave almost makes you wish for a nuclear winter.” – Paarthurnax
(Paarthurnax in Fallout? Someone’s modding Skyrim hard.)
- “There are so few pleasures in life as fine as your company” – Ondolemar
(Ondolemar’s flirting—guess you’re the best thing since sliced bread.)
- “Suffer the Winter’s cold winds, for they bear aloft next Summer’s seeds.” – Thorald Gray-Mane
(Thorald’s poetic—freeze now, bloom later, says the Nord bard.)
Some Hard hitting quotes from Skyrim:
- “It is within you to succeed. Never forget that.” – Quaranir
(Quaranir’s your cheerleader—success is in you, don’t screw it up!)
- “Hiding is beneath you, Dragonborn.” – Miraak – Dragonborn DLC
(Miraak’s taunting—cowering’s for losers, face him like a boss.)
- “The measure of a man is taken at the moment of his death. And know this for truth, the ghosts of many heroes walk among us.” – Septimus
(Septimus says death’s the real test—ghost heroes agree.)
- “And who are you to challenge me? I’ve conquered mortality itself. I’ve spat in the eyes of the Daedric Lords! This is my realm now, I’ve sacrificed too much to let you take it from me!” – Malyn Varen
(Malyn’s big mad—you’re crashing his immortality party.)
- “What is better, to be born good? Or to overcome your evil nature through great effort?” – Paarthurnax
(Paarthurnax’s brain teaser—good by birth or by sweat? You decide.)
- “You are the best Septim that’s ever ruled. Well, except for that Martin fellow, but he turned into a dragon god, and that’s hardly sporting… You know, I was there for that whole sordid affair. Marvelous time! Butterflies, blood, a Fox, a severed head… Oh, and the cheese! To die for.” – Sheogorath
(Sheogorath’s cheese obsession steals the show—Martin’s dragon act was just okay.)
- “Drem. Patience. There are formalities that must be observed, at the first meeting of two of the dov. By long tradition, the elder speaks first. Hear my Thu’um! Feel it in your bones. Match it, if you are Dovahkiin!”
(Dragon manners 101—wait your turn, then shout back, rookie.)
- “No one expects a fireball from the darkened corner.” – Festus Krex
(Festus loves a sneaky blaze—corner fireballs are his specialty.)
- “I used to be the top soldier for the Stormcloaks, then I took a sword to the chest.” – Angrenor Once-Honored
(Another “used to be” tale—swords to the chest ruin everything.)
- “That’s how a true Nord fights.”
(Nord combat class: hit hard, look cool, repeat.)
- “This isn’t over. You hear me you old fool! This isn’t over! And you. A Stormcloak? I’d thought better of you. You’ll all come to regret this day.” – Balgruuf
(Balgruuf’s salty—you picked the wrong side, and he’s not over it.)
- “Some people don’t think I’m smart. Those people get my fist. But you, I like.” – Farkas
(Farkas’s logic: doubt him, get punched—lucky you’re on his good side.)
- “Just because something is, doesn’t mean it has to be” – Eorlund
(Eorlund’s wisdom—change the game, don’t just play it.)
- “Be warned. Many have thought as you do. I have broken them all. You shall not evade me forever.”
(Villain brag: he’s crushed dreamers before, and you’re next on the list.)
- “May your roads lead you to warm sands” – Khajiit traders
(Khajiit’s blessing—here’s hoping for a beach vacation soon.)
- “Ah, wonderful, wonderful! Why waste all that hatred on yourself when it can so easily be directed at others!”
(Twisted life hack: share the hate, feel the love—yikes.)
- “If these ruins frighten you, take comfort from the knowledge that I am here.” – Marcurio
(Marcurio’s your ruin buddy—scared? He’s got your back.)
- “Eyes on the prey, not the horizon.”
(Focus tip: hunt now, daydream later—solid advice.)
- “You and me, we’re the only people around who aren’t fools.”
(You’re the smart ones in a sea of idiots—high-five!)
- “I will protect you, Dragonborn!”
(Follower’s oath—your personal shield, ready to take a hit.)
- “Some enemies just don’t know when to give up.”
(Stubborn foes are the worst—guess you’ll have to keep killing them.)
Conclusion: Relive Skyrim’s Epic Humor
These 93 Skyrim quotes remind us why The Elder Scrolls V is a timeless adventure full of wit and charm. From guard roasts to dragon wisdom, each line captures Tamriel’s magic. Share these laughs, revisit your favorite moments, and keep shouting like a true Dragonborn!
